


Shake it real fast, you get a little more (Money)

by arguably_somaya



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Drug Addiction, Gen, Mildly Dubious Consent, My First Work in This Fandom, Not Beta Read, Prostitution, but im posting it, idk what tf this is tbh, the author puts off other work for this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 00:02:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18487150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arguably_somaya/pseuds/arguably_somaya
Summary: “I remember my firs- oh, no, I don’t.”To be fair, he’s only slightly exaggerating when he tells Luther this. He does remember what lead up to his first time. He remembers what came afterward. The middle, the big shebang- yeah, it’s all a blur.Other kids have playgrounds and bedtime stories. The Hargreeves get issues so deep it would take a nuclear-powered drill to dig it all up.---My take on how Klaus lost his v-card.





	Shake it real fast, you get a little more (Money)

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, I binge watched The Umbrella Academy, spent a few days on the tag on tumblr, then made this.  
> *stares at growing pile of stuff to do*  
> Enjoy?

These days, Klaus smells bad.

 

The smell wafts behind him whenever he passes by. It’s obvious as to  _ what  _ it is; the sour scent of alcohol, and the entirely unpalatable hospital scent of harder narcotics would be pretty hard to miss. It would be more of a problem if the inhabitants of the Hargreeves house actually  _ saw  _ Klaus a bit more. 

 

Five has been gone for exactly one year, eight months, seventeen days, and the toll on the family is obvious.

 

Reginald is almost completely unaffected, as he’s never had much by way of patience for any of his children, and especially Five. Five, with his acts of defiance, and his bold personality, and his stubborn intelligence, remained a very high rank on ol’ Reggie’s shit list, God rest his soul. 

 

Or don’t. 

 

Nevertheless, every two or so days he’d have Klaus try to summon the spirit of Five. And every time, when Klaus would turn up empty, the old man would frown and sigh, as if to say ‘I can’t believe he’s made it this long. Unfortunate.’

 

Most of the siblings have withdrawn into themselves. Missions have petered to a trickle, and it’s not like Klaus has much to even offer from a combat standpoint. Ben throws himself into the library and his books, Vanya makes her angsty midnight sandwiches, Diego stays true to his teen rebel status and acts out like never before, and Klaus stays in his room, trying to get high off his ass. 

 

His room is starting to resemble a war zone, but he figures he can deal with that later. Not that the ghosts that just  _ love  _ to stay there even notice. 

 

They aren’t even that bad, really. At least in the daytime, when bright light fills his room. At night it’s certainly eerie, when the dead loiterers cast a bright blue glow against the walls, but it’s been that way since he can remember. 

 

Those ghosts aren’t nearly as intrusive as they could be, just some light crying. Sometimes they tell Klaus stories. They’re non-threatening, just a few women and children who died rather peacefully, poisoning or being taken off life support. One old woman talks to him in soft German, usually stories of her childhood, but occasionally she talks about how her son snuck into her room one day when money was tight and covered her face with a pillow. 

 

A real party.

 

Anyway, those are the cream of the “dead people” crop. The main problem is the  _ other _ ones, the ones that followed Klaus out of the mausoleum when he was 13.

 

_ They’re _ the ones he’s desperate to get rid of. The demons do nothing but scream and wail and claw at themselves. They try to make swipes at little Klaus with horrible, clawed hands, and he’s never been more grateful that their hands slip right through him. 

 

It starts when he’s snuck out one night. It’s cold as dicks, mostly because Klaus is wearing a tank top and tight skinny jeans. He’s pretty proud of smuggling those into the house. The money he’s stolen from Allison’s weird princess-dresser-thing burns in Klaus’ pocket but he gives it to his dealer anyway, a skinny man perpetually slumped against the wall of a shady warehouse, in exchange for a baggie of weed. No hard stuff. Not yet.

 

Tonight, the shady warehouse has a visitor- or an owner. He’s too well-dressed to be a cop, even fifteen-year-old Klaus can tell that much. Typical brown hair, fair skin, fuzzy eyes, every part the secular stoner. Warehouse Guy whistles in his direction, and when Klaus looks up, makes a point of licking his lips in a very over-exaggerated fashion. 

 

“Hey, kid,” the guy sneers, “if you’re ever desperate enough for money, my door here is always open. I’ll show you a  _ good time _ ,” he purrs lowly as he raps the door of the warehouse with a knuckle.

 

Klaus kinda… stops, and stares at him, until his dealer sluggishly berates Warehouse Guy for “scaring away his customers, goddammit,” and Klaus ultimately ignores him in favor of bowing deeply for his dealer, clumsily muttering some form of gratitude, and backing away toward Home, Sweet, Sweet Home.

 

If the guy’s promise sticks around in his mind, as well as the address, well, that’s hardly  _ his  _ fault.

* * *

 

 

 

_ “I remember my firs- oh, no, I don’t.” _

 

To be fair, he’s only  _ slightly  _ exaggerating when he tells Luther this. He  _ does  _ remember what  _ lead up _ to his first time. He remembers what came afterward. The middle, the big  _ shebang _ \- yeah, it’s all a blur.

 

Other kids have playgrounds and bedtime stories. The Hargreeves get issues so deep it would take a nuclear-powered drill to dig it all up.

 

The week that leads to him losing his v-card was tough for 15-year-old Klaus, scrawny bastard he was. The dealer on the end of the street gets snatched by the man- which sucks- and Klaus hasn’t reached the point in his life where he knows people around this shithole that have  _ more. _

 

Not to mention, his siblings are being  _ real  _ dicks right now; Allison and Luther are off doing their, barf, ‘ _ sibling bonding time, _ ’ (again,  _ barf),  _ Diego has taken over Five’s spot as Condescending Brooding Child, Ben starts practically doing the potty dance for their father’s attention every time the bastard even  _ looks  _ at them, and Vanya… well, she’s ordinary. She wouldn’t get it.

 

There’s a stash under his bed for desperate times like these, (oh, the woes of sobriety!) but they last him a meager three days of desperate rationing before he runs out.

 

The one day Klaus spends being sober after a straight year of drugs is  _ awful.  _ Everything is so much louder than before, and the goddamned dead people follow him around like he’s fuckin’ Madonna or something. One woman with a bashed in skull just sits beside him all day, in  _ Five’s _ chair, and  _ screams  _ bloody murder until he gets a migraine. 

 

Diego, of course, sends him tiny looks the whole day, because Diego is  _ at least _ 2% nice; and Ben lets Klaus hold his hand under the table during lunch, when the dining room is especially crowded. But nobody helps him when they’re training and a ghost appears right in front of Klaus, tripping him up with a shout. In fact, Allison  _ laughs.  _

 

Just for that, he steals one of her skirts while she’s in the shower, which does make him feel a little better. But ultimately, the whole day feels like shit. He  _ needs  _ to get his hands on some drugs,  _ schnell _ _. _

 

Warehouse Guy’s promise floats back into his mind.

 

Klaus would  _ love  _ to say that he agonized over the decision, that he spent hours deliberating, deciding on whether or not to sell his body, but he didn’t. The ghosts, the shadows all of them had strained toward him all day. He’d had quite enough of being sober, thank you very fucking much. He remembered the promise, slid into his shoes, downed a whole bottle of wine from Dad’s “secret” chest when his siblings were all in their rooms, getting ready for bed, and was on his way, stumbling down the city streets in a daze. The last thing he remembers is finding Warehouse Guy slouched against his warehouse, smiling a smug grin. 

 

* * *

 

 

A few hours later, Klaus wakes up naked in Warehouse Guy’s apartment, stark naked. His ass hurts, and he’s cold, can’t find his clothes, he’s  _ achingly sober  _ and hungover, and he’s sticky in places he doesn’t really want to think about. Something presses down on his midsection, and when he shifts to look, Warehouse Guy’s arm is thrown around his waist, and he looks like he’s pretty peacefully sleeping. Memories of last night drift back into his head, though there are none of the actual sex act. Good thing Klaus doesn’t give a damn, he needs his shit  _ now,  _ so he shakes the older man awake.

 

“Wha- yeah?” He says sleepily.

 

“Gimme my shit,” Klaus demands, in absolutely no mood for anything right now.

 

Warehouse Guy groans and stretches. “Fuckin-  _ okay _ , sure thing, princess.” Klaus’ cheeks heat up at the nickname. Well, at least he knows who bottomed. 

 

Warehouse Guy lumbers over to a pile of dirty laundry and picks up a little baggie of green mush. It’s weed, of course. Klaus won’t get into the hard stuff for a few months. 

 

“Here,” Warehouse Guy tosses him the bag. “You earned it.”   
  


Klaus can’t resist; despite his bad mood and unfortunate sobriety, he leers at him, blinking quickly, and asks sugar sweet, “Was it good?”   
  


Warehouse Guy snorts. “Sure, but don’t get too cocky. You’re inexperienced.”

 

Warehouse guy also gives him a few bucks for a taxi ride, which really just goes to show that even pedophil- yeah, nope, he can’t defend that. Nevermind.

 

He doesn’t remember  _ anything  _ that happened during all of that, which Klaus honestly counts as a blessing. He doesn’t want to remember. He just wants to light a joint until the horribly disfigured lady floating beside him disappears, or at least stops calling his name.

 

Stumbling into the house as the sun rises, he barely manages to make it into his room before Mom comes by to wake them all up.

 

“Klaus, dear, your father will be gone for this weekend,” she says sweetly. The overwhelming relief her words bring him gives his migraine a kickstart. “Breakfast will be served in the kitchen today.”

 

“Thanks, mom,” Klaus manages in as normal a voice as he can manage. 

 

Grace lingers at the door, assessing her fourth charge critically. She seems to not find anything  _ too  _ incriminating, because after about a minute of this she slips out of his room. 

 

Klaus makes a mad dash for the bathroom the second Mom’s footsteps stop sounding in the hall. It agitates his sore hips to do any kind of running, but he feels pretty gross, and a bath would be  _ heavenly  _ right now, not to mention the added effects of ghosts generally avoid bodies of water larger than a cup.

 

The halls are pretty quiet, and though Klaus can definitely hear some of his siblings getting ready, he starts to get a little worried. Where is everyo-

 

A voice calls from behind him. “Klaus?”

 

It’s Diego.  Of course it’s Diego. 

 

Luther is Number One, but he’s been in enamored with Dad‘s  _ glorious  _ idea of how the Academy should function since they were kids and, as Luther left an open space, Diego stepped in to act as the de-facto big brother. Rivaled only by Five, Diego’s protectiveness is legend in the Hargreeve house. Likely he’s been pacing the halls all night, waiting for Klaus to show up. Knife thrower or not, Diego’s a big ol’ softie. It’s cute. If only it weren’t a  _ fucking  _ inconvenience right about now. 

 

“Heyyyyyyy, Diego,” Klaus calls over his shoulder, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. He doesn’t turn around to look at his brother.

 

“Klaus,” Diego repeats, voice firm. “Turn around.”

 

Klaus doesn’t even waste a second. He books it for the bathroom.

 

Behind him, Diego curses and scrambles after him. “Klaus!”

 

The second Klaus closes his hand around the bathroom handle, a hand grabs his collar and yanks him backward.

 

Diego whirls him around, face furious.  “What t-the hell, bro?” he demands, gently slamming him against the door.

 

Klaus blinks up at him, confused. Sure, he’s been acting suspicious, but nothing that warrants this much of an overreaction. When Diego’s laser vision seems zoomed in on his neck though, Klaus slowly starts to put the pieces together. 

 

Brother Dearest grabs his chin and stabs a finger at a point on Klaus’ neck. Despite the minimal force, it… actually kinda hurts. “What. The fuck. Is  _ this,”  _ Diego seethes.

 

Klaus doesn’t even have to look. He can picture it. He’s got a hickey. Red bite marks probably cover his neck right now.  _ And Diego saw _ .

 

“Whoever d-did this,” Diego said lowly, slipping from Oh Fuck Diego’s Mad mode to Oh  _ Fuck,  _ Diego’s  _ Mad  _ mode. “I’ll kill them.”

 

Klaus panics and blurts, “I tripped!”

 

In hindsight, that line was pretty funny. Presently though, Diego doesn’t take it that well. He’s always been a pretty tough crowd.

 

The grip on his face tightens, and then Klaus is being frogmarched toward Diego’s room.

 

“Ack, Diego!” Klaus flails. “C’mon, we can talk about this! Like  _ normal people  _ do!  _ Ouch, _ dude, be  _ careful,  _ I’m  _ delicate,”  _ he insists, tripping over his feet. He keeps stumbling due to the unnatural angle, because Diego is still  _ holding his face _ , thanks, not that his brother cares about Klaus’ comfort or anything.

 

Diego dumps him on the floor of his room, then locks the door. “Talk,” he demands, pulling out a knife, looking like he wants to stab something and Klaus is making himself a pretty convenient target.

 

Klaus crawls onto the bed. “It’s nothing.”

 

A knife flies straight past his head. 

 

“ _ Okay _ , jeez,” Klaus huffs. “... I met someone last night.”

 

Diego’s eye twitches. “You  _ met  _ someone? Who? And they gave you  _ that? _ ”

 

Klaus shrugs. “Guess we got a little enthusiastic,” he says defensively. “It’s my life.”

 

Diego’s glares at him. “T-that’s- Klaus, that’s not  _ okay _ . You look l-like you got mauled by a fucking bear!”

 

“Leave it, Diego,” Klaus says exasperatedly, trying to talk over Diego’s rant. “It already happened, okay?  Not like you can change the past. You’re not Five.”

 

Diego stopped abruptly, mid-rant. He squints closely at his little brother. Klaus squirms away.

 

It’s like a slow-motion explosion. Diego stiffens and his hands fall beside him. “Holy shit!” Diego shrieks. “You had…  _ sex  _ with them _! _ ” That “sex” word is said in a tone that’s two parts murderous, one part awed.

 

Klaus would feel pretty proud of having something over Number Two if he weren’t so fucking  _ embarrassed out of his mind _ . “Shhhhut the fuck up! Mom’s gonna hear you!” Diego’s room isn’t soundproof like his own room is. 

 

Diego starts to pace around the room. They don’t say anything for a while, because Diego is processing, and Klaus is hoping the floor opens up and swallows him. Really, though, what do you say when your older brother finds out you just lost your virginity? So he curls into the pillow on Diego’s bed and tries to dissociate.

“Did you- did y-you use a condom?” Diego asks after a while of silence.

 

Klaus stuffs his face into the pillow and says, “I don’t know. I don’t remember!”   
  


  
  


Diego launches into another speech about how he could catch STDs that Klaus honestly means to pay attention to, but he zones out for at least 80% of it. Diego’s room is quiet, and bright. The ghosts don’t step foot in it. Klaus wishes he could live in this room every day. He does tune back in when Diego growls, “I’ll kill him,” while palming a knife. Usually when Diego stops threatening violence against Klaus specifically means he’s free to go.

 

Klaus snorts. “I won’t stop you. Can I take a shower first, though?”

 

* * *

 

Diego does demand that Klaus tell the whole story, which he does! Just without the parts about being drunk off his ass and doing it for drugs. It seems to satisfy Diego, though, who doesn’t stop threatening to castrate “Mystery Man.” He’s still ranting about it when Klaus slips out of the room.

 

And that’s how it starts.

 

Five is gone, good as dead, and then Ben dies too, but not really, not for Klaus. Diego storms out of the house one day and doesn’t come back. Allison ships off for Hollywood, Vanya slips away into the city, leaving Luther all alone. Somewhere in between all the leaving, Klaus stands in the foyer with a small bag slung over his shoulders. There’s nothing in it but money and valuables.

 

“You should take something else. Like food. Or clothes. Or a plan for your life,” Ben says. Being dead doesn’t suit him, not really, but Klaus will take it over the alternative. 

 

Klaus aims a small, wry smile at him. “Where would the adventure be then, Benny?” Then he tropes off into the streets.

 

It’s not a bad life, being away from his siblings. Klaus’ day usually revolves around three things: drugs, rehab, or sex. And for that last one- it’s usually sex because he  _ wants  _ to, Ben. Only  _ sometimes  _ does he get on his knees for money.

 

Ben spends his time shaking his head and berating Klaus for his actions. Sometimes it works and Klaus goes to see a movie instead of going to a rave. Sometimes it doesn’t and Ben disappears to whatever plane of existence ghosts live on when they’re not torturing the living, while Klaus does a line. He does always come back, though, which Klaus is always grateful for. For a while, that’s Klaus’ only contact with his siblings. It’s more than the others have, so he’ll take it.

 

Diego’s cool, Klaus supposes, ‘cause Diego will sometimes see him hunched over in an alleyway and actually  _ stop, _ take him for food, maybe, but, well, in the end, Klaus is an  _ adult  _ now (what a concept- Klaus made it to adulthood and Ben didn’t, not really) and he gets to live with his choices. 

 

Diego obviously doesn’t  _ approve _ of his choices, but he doesn’t nag or pry, either. Klaus returns the favor when Diego ditches his police badge and uniform for sleek leather and a mask the next time he sees his pseudo-older brother.

 

And anyway, Klaus is content to live like this. The drugs, the sex, all of it a comforting numb of chaos that drowns out the traumatizing truth of his powers. Then one day he overdoses and wakes up to his father’s death.

* * *

 

Five chooses to return them to when they’re thirteen, and the rest of them are too preoccupied with the world ending to protest. When the portal dumps them in their adolescent bodies, outside the (intact!) manor, they all protest, but Five is insistent that this age is where things went wrong, so this has to be when they start fixing their shit. 

 

And try to be a family, no less. 

 

Sure, all they’re plenty emotional when they get back, it’s only been a month since Klaus was snorting cocaine off some guy’s counter, a week since rehab, two days since he got clean, if they’re going in chronological order. 

 

Ben makes his comeback, Allison regains her voice. Then Vanya wakes up and starts fucking  _ bawling _ , which starts the whole waterworks show all up again.

 

They’re traumatized adults living in their 13 year-old-bodies. But this time, they’re doing things better. 

 

Living under his father again is hard, especially when he actually  _ tries  _ at training this time around. Living without the drugs, even in his young, non-addict body, is hard. Missions are hard, especially because this time around he has something to offer to them. Turns out that, from a combat standpoint, floating and being able to physically summon the dead has its uses.

 

One day, the Hargreeves kids sneak out to get donuts at Griddy’s. On the way, while they’re whispering furtively and giggling, Klaus notices a figure asleep in front of a warehouse.

 

It’s none other than Warehouse Guy, looking as average as the child-predator horror stories all say, just as ordinary as the day Klaus first saw him.

 

Looking at him, this stranger who played such a pivotal part in Klaus’ existence and didn’t even know it, Klaus is struck by the fact that… he’s not even  _ cute _ . 

  
The thought has him doubling over in giggles. The giggle turns into a laugh, which turns into full-blown hysterics. His siblings look at him weird, but not too weird. Ben nudges him (they’re pretty touchy nowadays) and asks, “What’s so funny?”

 

Klaus snorts and waves him away. “Tell you later.” His brothers and sisters shrug and probably just think it’s another ‘Klaus’ thing. Which is fine.

 

One day, and he swears it’ll be soon, he’ll tell the rest of his siblings about how he popped his cherry the first time around. Until then, when he meets somebody he wants to lose it to, it’ll be on his terms, with his consent, when he’s good and ready, and dear Lord, they’ll have to be hotter than  _ Warehouse Guy. _

 

After all, they’re already making changes in this timeline by just  _ being _ here. Vanya’s secretly training her powers. Allison and Luther aren’t doing any of that weird-as-shit thing they did as kids. They haven’t quite reached the time when Ben dies, but they’ll change that too, when it comes around. This is their second chance, their do-over. Might as well make one more change.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos make me nut so  
> check out my tumblr @whoopace-kosi lmao


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